He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
