I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
