I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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