I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
