so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
