Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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