She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
