So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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