It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
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Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
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You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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