I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
