Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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