Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
