just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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