im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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