Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
