My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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