You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She needs sedatives and a leash
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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