1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Dicks are not precious.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
