Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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