A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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