I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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