Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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