i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
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I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
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At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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