it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
