Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
