I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
