I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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