you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
