a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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