One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's never too late to be topless.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
