Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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