Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
