The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
