i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
