mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
