Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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