my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
