I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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