I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
