what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
