he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
