When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
