I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
