when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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