Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
