I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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