I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
