People with herpes should wear stickers.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
