Me too!
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
