Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
no you cant smoke seaweed
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Can you bring me the toilet please
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
