My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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