I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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