My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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