quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
