I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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