she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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