i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
